This feels vulnerable to write, but now that I have my name on a chapel slide about grief the secret is out: I am co-leading a grief group on campus. How I ended up here is a long story, but it involves the sudden and traumatic death of a close friend of mine during my senior year of highschool. Her death was excruciating — the reactions, words, and lack of support by those around me (especially those who were supposed to care) made the pain worse.
Our culture is not good at talking about grief. I quickly learned this, and carried the weight as I tried to make sense of what had happened alone.
I spent my first year of college keeping my grief to myself. It did little good. My friends didn't truly know me, I wrestled with big thoughts and questions alone, and I often wondered if anyone at Covenant could relate. Early my sophomore year, I saw a chapel slide for a grief and loss small group. After taking a few weeks to build up the courage I finally attended; it was one of the best choices I have made.
The group was helpful to me because it gave me an opportunity to talk about grief, something most people are either afraid of or don't know how to talk about. I love the group for several reasons. We don't force vulnerability (you don't have to share) and we don’t compare ourselves to each other. While everyone in the group has experienced a loss, the details are unique. In this group we understand that it's not helpful to compare where we are at in our grief or our faith. Come as you are, bring your joy, anger, sorrow or questions-there is a place for you.
Another reason why the group has been so helpful to me is because it simply provides an outlet to talk about grief, something our culture doesn't know how to do. While people are often well-meaning, they can say things that are stupid or unhelpful without realizing the implications. In my experience, I have found that talking about grief with people who have experienced it themselves provides a certain type of understanding that isn't always present with others or requires a large amount of explanation and prefacing.
If you've never lost a loved one, but know someone who has, you still play a role in helping them heal and process. As I said earlier, grief can be isolating. One of the reasons this was true for me was because people never asked me about it. I think there are a few common misconceptions around grief. First, that asking someone about it is somehow offensive, inappropriate or will just make them sad.
I would encourage you to check in with people, even if it's been a while since their loss. They may not want to talk but chances are the person is already sad, their loved one is already on their mind, and your asking will make them feel less alone. Don't live under the expectation that someone doesn't want to talk about it, but don’t take it personally if they don't.
Another thing to keep in mind is that shoving God into a grieving person's face can be unhelpful. Don’t get me wrong, God is the only reason I've been able to get through what I have, but what you say to someone and when you say it is important. Personally, I needed to come to understand that God was good, loving and in control in my own time. If a friend comes to you crying you should not recite Romans 8:28 to them in that moment.
If you are scared to talk to someone about their grief because you haven't personally experienced a loss or don't feel qualified, don’t let that hold you back. A friend of mine once expressed to me: “I've never been through something like this and I don't fully understand your pain but I am here for you if you want to talk about, cry about it or tell stories about her.”
Just because you haven’t experienced something doesn't mean you can't listen or support someone. No matter who you are, I'd encourage you to take the risk. If you're grieving, consider attending grief group (we meet on Wednesdays at 4:15) or talk to someone about it. If you aren't grieving but know somebody who is, ask them how they're doing or if they want to talk, listen to their story or ask them what they need. If we learn to talk about these things in a more understanding manner, I believe it could greatly benefit people who are struggling with a loss.