When I was in middle school, I was like every other middle school girl. Any time you had a crush on a guy, you would put his last name with your first name. It was silly, playful, and very middle-school-girl-esque. Now, as I have gotten older, this middle school practice shifts closer to reality for many friends around me.
I began to question what aspects of that practice were biblically right versus what the culture has simply trained us to do. How much of taking a man’s last name is biblical? How much of it is cultural?
A woman took a man’s last name in European society to keep land ownership simple. Surnames come from the job you had. For example, if you were a potter then your last name would be Potter. You would then be from the family of potters. Women took a man's last name because women could not own property at the time. She would take a man’s last name to tell others what family she belonged to and who was going to take care of her.
In some Native American tribes and some Hispanic cultures, however, they do not follow the same tradition. In many of these cultures, a woman keeps her last name, the names are combined, or the line is continued on maternally.
The question is—is this biblical? Is it something God has called us to do, does it at least represent how God has designed marriage, or is this more of a cultural choice? In the Bible, there is a sense of headship in marriage (Ephesians 5:23,1 Corinthians 11:3,1 Corinthians 11:8-9, etc) and by taking a man’s last name some would argue this is a form of headship and biblical submission. But doesn’t Genesis 2:24 also say “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh”? If a man is leaving his father and mother and unite to his wife, wouldn’t that indicate that he should be giving up his last name as a symbol of that? And if a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church with a sacrificial love (Ephesians 5:23), is this maybe something the man should do for his wife as a way of sacrificially loving her?
This is not about power in a marriage or feminism, but about the fact that a name has meaning. I am proud to be a Florey. I love my family and love being called a Florey. It is a privilege and an honor, but beyond that, my last name is in some ways far more of my identity than my first name. Many of you know me by my nickname: JFlo. I am JFlo because my first name is Jessica and my last name is Florey. Many people actually think my first name is Jennifer, and it easily could be, from my nickname. But if I had a different last name, I would never be JFlo.
All of these things point to the fact that marriage is hard. It is a life change and a constant practice of giving, sacrificing, and learning to die to your own desires. And this lifetime of sacrifice maybe even starts with possibly giving up one’s last name.
But why am I, as a woman, the one who has to wrestle through this identity change? It seems as if men (I am not a married man, so I could easily be wrong) do not have to go through the same identity struggle when they first get married.
I end in what I hope is humility. I do not think anyone is sinning if they do or do not take their husband's last name in marriage. There are some women I know who see that as a beautiful gift to their husband, and I think that is a sweet, heart-felt sentiment. All I wish to do is to open up the discussion and maybe even bring in the reminder that, as much as we at Covenant like to idealize what marriage will be, marriage can be hard, sacrificial, and a fight to love as well as sweet and a representation of God’s love.