Photo by Abby Whisler
Several students’ struggles to remain pure have been foiled yet again by the famously controversial Dr. WhiteBro, who recently had the audacity to require students to look at art with nudity in it in her classes that study art. Though the polarizing professor couldn’t be reached for comment, we here at the Windbag believe the testimonials speak for themselves.
“It’s reprehensible,” explained Gender Rolesberg, a flummoxed student. “I literally gorge myself on sexual imagery I find on the internet every day. And then she goes and shows me that. How does she expect me to not get into it?”
“My boyfriend says the hardest part for him is how it affects our relationship,” Gender Rolesberg’s girlfriend added. “He said it’s hard for him to lead us well because, while he takes no steps towards self-control in his personal life, Dr. WhiteBro insists on showing these entirely relevant cultural artifacts to him in a public classroom setting.”
While Dr. WhiteBro requires reading on the histories of historically oppressed people groups, she also seems to be engendering her own type of oppression onto the minds of impressionable college students—namely showing paintings of nude people and stuff in a class that studies paintings and stuff!
“I just don’t see why we have to look at it,” mused Heterosexual Male II, shirtless, having just finished a Spikebowl match on the Chapel lawn. It was the Spring tournament, and he has left his shirt crumpled next to his copy of the best-selling My Brain is Like a Waffle, Hers is Spaghetti: How I Figured Out How Gender and Sex Be by Rev. Dr. W.A.S.P. Heterosexual Male Living in America. “Like, we’ve been reading about how art has been used to perpetuate economic, social, religious, and professional systems of oppression towards women and other marginalized demographics, but it makes me uncomfortable sometimes. So why should I have to deal with any of it?” His gaze moved over to a group of young women, his hands hanging lower than the bottom of his running shorts. He explained, “Take these girls for example. They’re all wearing leggings. It’s like they and Dr. WhiteBro have no concern for the fact that I’m visually stimulated!” He then walked over to collect his belongings, his bronze skin gleaming in the Spring-afternoon light, back muscles rippling as he bent down. He turned away, shaking his head. “I’m going to go pray for them!” he shouted, pointing directly at the be-legging-ed individuals. Everyone on the field paused their games to applaud such an honorable young man. The girls were quickly disqualified and booed back to their rooms, allowed only to leave once they’d committed to becoming purity partners with their RAs. Several of them were began required to wear the full burka.
Though terror challenges the status quo here at Convent everyday, there are moments where we are able to win back holy intellectual, spiritual, and geographic territory lost to the infidel. This last story is a wonderful example of that. If you’d like to join the holy battle—Our New Crusade for Purity, if you will—please contact any of our diverse representatives. You will typically find them wearing purity rings, comparing the way human beings are to the way food is, and generally proselytizing to those about things they know nothing about.