Cameron James arrived on campus as a transfer this spring, eager to become a part of Covenant’s community. He settled into campus life and classes, and was enjoying a Kilimanjaro-sized pile of popcorn chicken in the Great Hall with his new friends.
Then it happened. Cameron locked eyes with the prettiest girl he'd ever met. “I burn, I pine, I perish if I do not achieve this young modest girl!” he cried.
Photo from butlerartscenter.org edited by Mary Powell
“Good luck with that bucko,” his new hallmates warned, “she’s one of the Stratford sisters.”
This girl, Bianca Stratford, has an extra-helicopter father, who rented out the room under Probasco for the entirety of the academic year. To ensure his daughter’s well being, he made a rule: no dating until she graduates.
Despairing, our hero lamented the loss of his one true love. But rumors of a crucial loophole found him: Bianca can date if her older sister does. Kat Stratford is a senior, and notorious for her insanity and Reformed Baptist leanings. She raises her hand in class, believes the Great Hall does not count as a date, and worst of all, has standards. Allegedly, she bit a member of a safety and security work study student after he tried to handcuff her for screaming insults at a rival basketball team. No man at Covenant had dared date her. Thrown from her CHOW class for criticising the lack of female authors represented, Kat is a force to be reckoned with.
But Cameron’s love for Bianca could not be stopped! He hired a man who seemed equal to the task: Catacombian Patrick Verona. Known for plunging swords into Ekklesia’s toilets, passing seaweed to an RD during Around Founders, and inciting a riot on chapel lawn over barefoot laws on campus, Patrick seemed like just the man for the job — afraid of nothing.
Cameron bribed Patrick with blink bucks. Armed with these, Patrick invited Kat to spring formal. She laughed in his face and hurled the buffalo chicken wrap he offered her into the Carter Lobby fireplace.
But Cupid’s arrow struck! (Ignore the fact that we said this was Spring Semester for a sec). Patrick made a grand romantic gesture by singing Franki Valli’s “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You” from the Scotland Yard stands at Kat’s championship soccer game. Because no one shows up to the women’s games, Patrick’s performance was impressive and easily viewed. As he finished the closing notes to his number, Patrick became involved in an altercation with some 2nd floor Carter boys who came to claim their spot for the men’s match. Impressed by all of this, Kat agreed to go to Spring Formal.
As Patrick and Kat twirled gracefully over the dance floor, the truth was sadly revealed. Kat was heard storming from the floor crying ‘YOU’RE A PRESBYTERIAN?? AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT!!”
But tensions eased with time, as Kat was also witnessed the next day, in her poetry class, reading the following.
I hate the way you talk to me
And they way you (don’t) cut your hair
I hate your big dumb Chi Rho
And the way you read my mind
I hate you so much that it makes me sick
And even makes me rhyme
I hate that you’re a paedobaptist
I hate the Founder’s basement
I hate your pile of shoes at Chapel
And your stupid baby wall
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you
Not even close
Not even a little bit
Not even at all
Thumbnail Photo from butlerartscenter.org edited by Mary Powell