Inauguration Eve - Thursday, March 14, 2024.
Photo taken by Mary Powell ‘25 College
As faculty and staff, board members and students gathered in front of the chapel building in preparation for the pre-inaugural concert, trouble was brewing. The concert was an event so monolithic in scope and scale as to warrant the construction of a large white temple of seating in front of the chapel in order to accommodate the massive abundance of acolytes of the great and presidential Brad Voyles (may he live forever). The evening promised pleasant frivolity, musical pleasure and warm fellowship. Alas, for one student amongst the crowds, such a salubrious celebration was not to be.
The whole of campus thrummed with vibrant anticipation as throngs flocked toward the siren’s call of musical ecstasy within the Dora McClellan Brown Memorial Chapel. Amongst these placid pilgrims, however, there lay hidden that one very silly soul. A rough in the diamond, a grass in the snake, a sheep in wolf’s clothing. A jack in the box, if you will, reaching its final and fateful turn.
Amongst the placid crowds, a young buck ruined the groove, killing the vibes of the masses by performing an impromptu experiment in gravitational law. Seemingly seeking to become the goofiest of goobers, this young man, egged on by egregious encouragers, strove to transcend the boundaries which Covenant students are limited by. He sought to turn proverbial Squirrel Vision into Squirrel Action. He leaped from rock to tree, and plummeted 20 feet straight down upon his noggin.
One can only begin to plumb the depths of the adolescent soul; only an impression of the simultaneous potentialities for capricious asininity and stupendous promise can be gained. But dwelling on the philosophical conundrum that is the male brain can only be an exercise in futility—an exploration of its faults and foibles can truly only be gained via true empirical experience. Perhaps it was in pursuit of such an erudite endeavor that this juvenile delinquent strove—but such reflection matters not. No theological epiphany was to be found that day. Alas, there was only the Fall, a microcosmic recreation of that Adamic Sin, a reminder of our sorry human state.
On impact with the hard Georgia clay, the young fool's skull instantly shattered. 230 pounds of hard virilic muscle descended on his spinal cord, resulting in six fractured vertebrae. Indeed he was in dire danger but was immediately senseless of his imminent peril. He was out cold. The contemplation of his vicissitudes of fortune, the futile aspirations to Squirrel Action, all were lost in a moment of blinding blunt force trauma.
Death was not the decree for this ignoramus, however. As he languished in soporose insensibility, assisted in the highly secretive Baptist Last Rites by the selfless heroes staffing the Dade County Volunteer Emergency Medical Technician cadre, Dr. Madueme passed by on his evening walk. He took pity on the nitwit, clasped the young imbecil’s hand with a firmness stronger than Samaritan wine and oil, and said a prayer. Immediately, all of the injuries sustained by the aerial airhead were healed, leaving but a residual headache, no doubt an intentional artifact bequeathed by the great Professor to serve as a reminder, a catalyst toward that Paynian chemical reaction that results in common sense.
As we conclude with this simple, factual retelling of this Greek tragedy, this bumpkin buskin, readers should consider it both an informative account and a pithy parable. The fortune of our vaulting village idiot should serve as a warning towards wisdom.